After 38 years I've decided it's finally time to reveal my gender to myself.

Since his firing Penn State's 2 minute drill has become much more efficient because they don't have to wait for him to finish his story about how they used to be only 1 minute long when he was a kid.

Shameless Self Promotion - ACT NORMAL AND NO ONE GETS HURT

You are normal as long as you tell yourself you are
normal as long as you tell yourself you are
normal as long as you tell yourself you are
normal as long as you tell yourself you are
normal tell yourself you are
normal tell yourself you are
normal tell yourself you are
normal you are
normal you are
normal you are
... normal?
 
ACT NORMAL AND NO ONE GETS HURT
An Evening of Monologues
Written by Michael D. Sepesy and Steve Maistros
Directed by Chris Johnston
Featuring Sarah Kunchik, Allen Branstein, Mark Rabant, Joe Milan, Doug
Kusak, Amy Bistok Bunce, Christine Fallon, and John Busser
 
November 3, 4, 5 and 10,11,12
The Oboe Gallery
8308 Lake Road
Cleveland, OH 44102
 
All shows are at 8pm.  Suggested accepted donation accepted at the
door (we suggest $2.6 million dollars, but may settle for less).
 
visit us on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/#!/events/257059207669521/http://www.facebook.com/#!/oboecleveland
visit The Oboe at 

Below is my analysis of the highlights of the beginning of the Lingerie Football League schedule with a detailed breakdown of the most pertinent information about the league, teams, players and coaches that matter most to dedicated LFL fans.

WEEK 1 - Nobody's top fell off.

Join us next week for further analysis of the top stories from the LFL 2011-12 season.

The liquor store is NOT having a 50% off Back To School sale so I should stop sending my kids in to buy stuff for me (or so I have been told repeatedly).

CNN just had a very moving and emotional memorial marking the ten year anniversary of the outstanding Nielson ratings they were getting after 9/11. 

Well ... the latest prospect fell through.  Another case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong resume and wrong education and the wrong hygiene and the wrong time to not have pants on and the wrong tendency to show strangers my appendix scar and the wrong scar and the wrong time to prove what a hard worker I am by licking the interviewer's desk clean.  I just have no luck at all.

I'm Pro Kitty and I vote.  

We gave our co-worker a real ribbing about trying to "Stop, Drop and Roll" during the earthquake.  That's for a fire, you dope!  We had a good laugh about it until he tried to deny it with that old, "I'm having a seizure ... I need immediate medical attention" line.  Nice try, dude. 

Eating the remnants of your neighbor's dinner out of their garbage can is not technically considered Upcycling (or so I've been told).

To appeal to Iowa voters I'm going to keep my message as pro-corn and anti-corn abortions as possible.

I personally don't think that doctors communicate enough so with my patients I am open to honestly and candidly answering any possible question they have with the only exception being, "are you sure you're a real doctor?"

Took a first aid class yesterday.  Here's an interesting tidbit.  When you encounter a choking person in a restaurant it is considered improper to finish the victim's dessert before administering the Heimlich maneuver.

It's so hot out you can fry an egg on the sidewalk, but I suppose you want one of your fancy properly cooked gravel-free eggs don't you, you elitist bastard?

If you could shoot humidity I'd be gun shopping as we speak.

TODAY'S CELEBRITY INSIDER REPORT - She'd never say this in public, but in private conversations with friends Oprah wonders what use it is being the most powerful woman in the world if you can't also shoot lightning bolts from your vagina.

Today marks exactly one Neptunian year since the planet was discovered.  Next Tuesday will mark the anniversary of when scientists were finally able to differentiate between Uranus and a hole in the ground. 

Congrats to major leaguer pitcher Ted "Uncontrollable Muscle Spasm" McGinty for joining the 3000 balk club.

TODAY'S NEWS - A young cancer patient broke royal protocol and rushed into the arms of Princess Kate today.  The newest member of the Royal Family was so touched by the gesture that she asked her bodyguards to taser the girl on the lowest possible setting.  

Watching a History Channel special about the American Revolution. It seemed the whole thing started because the British wanted a salary cap.

It's a little known fact that the Declaration of Independence would have been adopted in late June, but the Continental Congress was delayed when signer Button Gwinnett ran into the session and declared, "I've got a carriage full of fireworks outside, dudes ... let blow some shit up!!!". Button Gwinnett put the art in party.

The Chicago Cubs seem to be running out of celebrities. Tonight Muammar Gaddafi is singing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game".

Never go to a fireworks show sponsored by a company that makes prosthetic limbs.

Supposedly an asteroid the size of a tour bus will narrowly miss hitting the Earth today. Are we talking a U2 sized tour bus or a Winger reunion tour with only one original member only playing Midwestern rib cook-offs sized tour bus? I need to know whether I should bring the cat in.

I tried to help this guy ghost write a book, but I could never see what I was typing with that sheet over my head.

I always took it that those "Employees Must Wash Hands" signs applied to employees washing their own hands. I'm also assuming that the guy in TGIFridays Mens room who insisted on washing my hands actually worked there. The sponge bath, although thorough, was also a cause for concern.

Whenever my kids are scared by a storm I give them a hug and tell them, "Thunder is nothing to be afraid of. It's just God bowling. Now lightning ... that stuff will fry your little ass like a Steak Um."

Evidently the latest Amish version of social media involves painting a message on a donkey and sending it running past your friend's house.

I feel bad for the animals at the zoo. I know firsthand how hard it is to concentrate on licking yourself when there are a bunch of people staring at you.

I'm all all for product warning labels, but it seems to be overkill to have one that says, "It cannot be statistically ruled out that the air molecules in this Twinkie were not at one time in Raymond Burr's pants".

Sure the tornado siren is going off, but how do we know that it's not just a trick and the tornadoes are really hiding behind the furnace in the basement waiting for us?

Never go to a pig roast that is BYOP.

If they keep calling you for fresh towels that's probably a sign your roach motel isn't working.

NEWS .... China is hoping that replacing the Great Wall with a 200 plus mile long invisible dog fence will finally stop Mongolia's cocker spaniel from crapping in their yard.

Today I was watching a little ant make the long journey across the sidewalk and wondered what kind of thoughts an ant has as it goes about it's day. Then I figured it was probably a lot of, "I really really really hate being a god damn ant".

I tried to switch to soy milk, but I couldn't find the udders on those little freaking beans.

I don’t care how good a pitcher he was … this Tommy John guy should not be allowed to perform so many surgeries if he’s not a doctor.

The other day a salesman explained to me the meaning of the term "geek chic". Made me wonder if there's such a thing as "asshole chic".

I never would have thought that Mexicans would be so into mayonnaise they'd have a holiday celebrating it. Consider my cultural horizons broadened.

According to witnesses Mr. bin Laden's last words were reportedly, "Tell Will and Kate they should never go to bed angry".

Now that we got Osama bin Laden we can work on finding this Albert "Al" Qaeda dude.

It must be really hard to consummate the Royal marriage with the Queen there watching (unless they're in to that kind of thing).

That discount tattoo artist I went to completely screwed up. It's supposed to be "Zeppelin Rules". What in the hell is a "Dirigible"? I may never be able to show my ass in public again.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people ... which is stupid because using a gun would be such a huge time saver.

I would be more into the Royal Wedding if Will weren't just marrying her because he knocked her up.

Would it kill the Hallmark Channel to throw a knife fight or explosion into their movies now and then?

Every year my family struggles with whether Easter should be about Jesus or the Easter Bunny. This year we are going to put them in a small fenced in area and have them fight it out (I got 2 large on JC).

I think this whole social media thing has run its course so I'm jumping on the antisocial media bandwagon. I just opened a GetOuttaMyFacebook account.

(So ... I posted this joke Monday night. I open the paper the very next morning and almost the exact same joke is in Dan Piraro's Bizarro comic. He got paid for it ... so he wins. SM)

It's not false modesty when I say that I don't think I should be considered a hero just because I donated a kidney to someone. I've got a whole drawer full of them.

I'm not ashamed that I'm a 37 year old man and cry during very special episodes of Punky Brewster. I'm ashamed that I think that every episode is a very special episode of Punky Brewster.

The worst part about drinking alone is there is no one to tell you to stop hitting on the ottoman.

FYI - There isn't a b,c,d,f,g,h,j,k,l,n,o,p,q,r,s,u,v,w,x,y or z in "team" either.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It will kill your dog.

I don't feel it's appropriate to punch a clown while he/she is in the middle of making a balloon animal. I've done it, but I've never felt good about it later. Kicking them seems OK though.

No matter how many receipts you keep the IRS will not let you deduct your kittens as a business expense. Pictures of them in the tiny ties and cubicles won't help either.

The worst thing about spring is the frostbite.

You know what they say .... April showers bring May trips to the emergency room after you stapled your tongue to your shirt because your cousin Elvin dared you to do it and you wanted to shut him up because he's always rubbing it in that he was the first male dental hygienist in the tri-county area and showing you that stupid newspaper article with a picture of him and his fat head and the mayor which he cut out completely ruining the Garfield comic on the other side that you wanted to cut out and put on the fridge because it made you laugh and god forbid you took pleasure in the antics of a comic strip cat and were happy for once in your whole damned life and flowers ... which you are allergic to.

I know people are trying to make me feel better when they say "there are other fish in the sea", but that really doesn't do me much good since, from my experiences, I have found that plankton don't put out.

The internet was invented because porn delivered via carrier pigeon never really caught on.

I don't know why everyone is making such a big deal about nuclear radiation. I was born and raised down the street from a nuclear plant and I can count on one hand the number of times it made me sick. Eight.

I predicted the Final Four teams correctly this year. I said they'd all be basketball teams.

I think if I were in charge of flipping the switch on the electric chair I'd asked the chairee "Regular or Extra Crispy" right before I do it. I think they'd appreciate adding a little levity to the situation. If not I'd follow that with, "lighten up, will ya?". If they didn't get a kick out of that then there's no hope for them.

Some days the wacky hi-jinks of that rascal of a pooch Marmaduke are the only things keeping me from bringing together those humans of the darkest of hearts and together clawing at the seams of civilization to begin society's slow decent into madness and anarchy until the only accepted currency is human blood. Beetle Baily is a real hoot too. Wake up, Beetle ... here comes Sarge!!! LOL
: )

On top of being uncoordinated I am also dyslexic, so I can't walk and wehc mug at the same time.

The good news ... my family got a great deal on my funeral plans. The bad news ... the funeral home is going to use me as a window display.

I've got a major case of March Madness. That's the one where your dog tells you to kill people, right?

St. Patrick's Day was so wild I’m still peeing green. I've got to stop drinking so much Listerine.

Nude mud wrestling is a lousy office team building exercise (or so I’ve been told).

It's not officially a folk festival until someone sings a song about their cat.

My trip to visit famous cartoon related sites is getting off to a bad start in Ireland. I've kissed it four times, but this stone still looks nothing like Barney Rubble.

I ate a leg of lamb yesterday and felt so guilty about it that I've spent all day whittling him a peg leg.

I’m not sure I believe in an all seeing omnipotent supreme being, but just in case every night before I go to bed I look up at the sky and say, “Lord, could you not watch me while I sleep? It creeps me out”.

I checked the horoscope this morning and they changed my astrological sign from Sagitarius to Snuffleupagus.

There are two types of people in this world ... those that think there
are two types of people in this world, those that get confused and
lose track of what they are trying to say mid-sentence and Eskimos. I
am both.

If I were an angel I’d try to get the Sunday shift just because the boss is off.

Sex in a rocking chair does not count as “spicing things up” (or so I’ve been told).

Resume Tip #7463 – Listing your occupation as "Drifter" on your resume is not a positive and no amount of reference letters from other drifters will help.

My wife told me that I would be a perfect contestant for the TV show “The Biggest Loser”. I told her I didn’t think I needed to lose that much weight. She said, “It’s a weight loss show?”

Not sure why some people are surprised about how the timeline of real life events was altered in the movie The King's Speech. I for one have never trusted Hollywood since they so blatantly misrepresented the timeline of the Franco-Prussian War in the film Weekend at Bernie’s II.

As February ends and March begins we move from Black History Month to Albino History Month. To celebrate we will honor a prominent Albino-American every day of the month. Below is the schedule.

3/1 Edgar Winter
3/2 Johnny Winter
3/3 Edgar Winter
3/4 Johnny Winter
3/5 Edgar Winter
3/6 Johnny Winter
3/7 Edgar Winter
3/8 Johnny Winter
3/9 Edgar Winter
3/10 Johnny Winter
3/11 Edgar Winter
3/12 Johnny Winter
3/13 Edgar Winter
3/14 Johnny Winter
3/15 Edgar Winter
3/16 Johnny Winter
3/17 Edgar Winter
3/18 Johnny Winter
3/19 Edgar Winter
3/20 Johnny Winter
3/21 Edgar Winter
3/22 Johnny Winter
3/23 Edgar Winter
3/24 Johnny Winter
3/25 Edgar Winter
3/26 Johnny Winter
3/27 Edgar Winter
3/28 Johnny Winter
3/29 Edgar Winter
3/30 Johnny Winter
3/31 Edgar Winter

I'm thrilled about my Oscar nomination for Best Extra Fired From A Motion Picture After Inappropriate Contact With The Star Of The Film. This would not be possible without the talents and ticklishness of one Mr. Liam Nesson.

Got a busy day ahead of looking for nursing homes. Should have known it wasn't going to end well at the last one when Aunt Beulah changed her relationship status to "it's complicated" after being there for only two weeks.

Lessons learned driving in the city - evidently there is no way to pick a TV off the sidewalk in a ladylike fashion when you are wearing knee high leather boots, long blonde wig, miniskirt and are 6 foot 3. Nor does it help when, in addition to the aforementioned handicaps, you are also a dude.

To my rapping friends with bad backs ... sacroiliac and Cadillac make a nice rhyme. You're welcome.

Rejection is painful. Another no for my script about a 13th century English private detective. "Magnum Carta P.I." is in the reject draw with all the rest. *sigh*

My Great Aunt Georgine just got some good news. She plays so much Bingo down at St. Aloysius that she just got her next five sacraments comped.

I'm starting to think this so called "Art Therapy" movement is some kind of scam. I spent a half an hour rubbing my rash on one of the Picassos at the Art Museum and it hasn't helped one bit.

The people of Egypt are to be commended, but we can't let this obscure the fact that they haven't turned out a decent Pyramid in centuries.

Is there any chance that someone can steal my identity and reset all my passwords to something I can remember? occasionalbedwetter2011 will work. Thanks.

I don't think I could ever be president. I just know that, despite my best intentions, late at night when everyone was asleep I would sneak down into the White House basement and take a few bites from the United States Strategic Fudge Reserve.

This computer competing on Jeopardy thing has me feeling a little insecure so last night I whipped my toaster oven in a game of UNO (3 games to 2 ... but I totally let it win the fourth game).

I'm a HUGE fan of boxing, but wonder if they could maybe tone down the punching a bit.

Note to Self

Try to maintain a certain level of maturity in future Notes to Self, you big stupid poophead.

What do you call a band that can't stop playing "Back In Black" over and over
again?


OCD/C

I just finished compiling my bucket list.

1. Purchase bucket.
2. Crochet bucket cozy for new bucket.
3. Name bucket (Eugene, Chauncey, Admiral Percival Von Bucketity or Tim).
4. Affix "please do not kick" sign to Chauncey (I'm leaning towards Chauncey).

One day I hope my children and my children's children can celebrate Valentines Day in a cootie free world. (My children's children's children should just suck it up and deal with it)

Episode 2 THE INCREASINGLY INFREQUENT ADVENTURES OF SNARK MAN AND THE CLINICALLY DEPRESSED KID

Episode 1 THE INCREASINGLY INFREQUENT ADVENTURES OF SNARK MAN AND THE CLINICALLY DEPRESSED KID

For some reason today I find myself waxing philosophical (but I'm considering laser hair removal in the future).

I have Presidents Day off and will celebrate by spending next Monday dressed as Chester A. Arthur, our 21st President known by his popular nickname "Ol' Sweatpants and T-Shirt Wearing President Guy Who Decided Not To Shave That Morning". For one day, history will come alive in our house (most likely on the couch).

I'm thinking that if you were a genetic scientist and you came up with a way to put tiny unicorn horns on kittens you'd be pretty much set for life. Of course, if you screw up you've got a furry little horse that shreds the curtains on your hands.

I understand the need for budget cuts, but wonder if the replacement of the automated cross walk designed for the sight impaired at the end of his street with an older gentleman in a lawn chair shouting, "You better get your blind ass moving across the street lickity damn split, Chief" may not be the best solution.

I think the most disturbing thing about discovering that the local drug store is filled with nothing but creepy weirdos at 9:30 at night on a Monday is realizing that you yourself are also shopping at the drug store at 9:30 at night on a Monday.

Holiday Office Party

I work from home ... so technically that's my office. My old job had a big fancy party every December. They didn't invite me this year ... so I figured I'd just throw myself an office holiday party. I've worked pretty hard this year so I deserve it ... in theory.



I tried to mingle ... but everyone just wanted to talk about work. It was really awkward and not very much fun, but ...



... eventually I got into the holiday mood.



I really only went because I thought there'd be bonus checks handed out. Nope. Thanks for nothing, Mr Ebe-loozer Scrooge!



It was a pot luck. We were supposed to make something, but I ran out of time and just brought some cheap-o store bought cookies. They didn't taste very good. I ate the whole box anyway. I'm not proud of that.



It turned out that I was my Secret Santa this year. I did a good job ... I had no clue who it was ...



... but I just wrapped up my stapler and gave it to myself. It was a pretty lame Secret Santa gift.



I tried to act excited anyway.



The party was really boring so I decided to loosen up with a drink.



Of course ... that led to another ...



... which led to another ...



... which led to another. To be honest I was a little over-served.



Things kind of got a little out of hand after that. I got a little crazy ...



... but it's not like I was the only one.



A good time was had by all, but eventually it was time to get back to work.
I can hardly wait until next year's party.